Waves

I was talking to my Sunday School teacher today via email. (He's one of the best SS teachers around.) He was letting me know he was praying for me and our family still. I'm betting he was a tad concerned for me because I was a mess at church yesterday. As we were discussing what grief is like, I had this analogy come to me that I thought was rather beautiful (if I do say so myself) and very accurate. And I thought, "Oh! I need to blog about this!"

Most of us have heard about the stages of grief. I think there's denial, anger, depression...and I can't remember the others. So far I've definitely experienced those three. I remember at the funeral I kept telling people, "This is wrong. We are not supposed to be here. My brother is NOT supposed to be in that casket." The day after the funeral I went back to the grave and just stood there, staring at it, trying to make it sink in. But it wouldn't. That's denial. For me anyway.

The next day at church, anger hit me full force. I wasn't mad at Rusty. I was mad at God, not so much for allowing Rusty to die, but for allowing all the other stuff to happen that made it that much harder. (We had a couple of people show up acting like complete idiots at the funeral, among other things.)I was angry for a lot of reasons. My pastor talked to me that morning, and I said everything one should probably not say to one's pastor: "I'm angry at God; I'm angry at all the stupid people that come out of the woodwork during something like this; I don't care if my anger hurts them. And, just to top it all off: I can't pray." He was very loving, but also helped me understand why you can't stay in that place of anger. You have to choose to move from it.

Then there was depression. My least favorite stage. At least with anger you feel something. With depression, you just feel numb, listless, you don't care about anything. In the past, I had to be on medicine for depression, and so I recognized that stage as soon as I got there. I didn't care what I looked like. I didn't care about getting the kids school work done. I just didn't care about anything. And I couldn't cry. That was the worst part. I wanted to cry, and I knew I needed to, but I couldn't. It was like a dam was holding back the tears.

But what I'm discovering is that they're not stages that are set in order. And just because I was angry 2 weeks ago doesn't mean I'm done with it. In fact, yesterday I had to deal with anger all over again. Just because I seem to be doing well this week does not mean I'm on the uphill path from now on. No, what I have discovered is that grief comes in waves.

The initial wave hits you at the moment of impact. For me, the moment my mom's words sunk in over the phone "Rusty's dead." was my moment of impact. For a moment, it loomed up in front of me, very large and terrifying, and then it crashed down over me and all around me, engulfing everything near and dear to me. In those first few days, that initial wave was all-consuming. I couldn't find my footing in the aftermath of that wave. If it had not been for the support of our friends and church families in those first days, we would not have been able to keep our heads above water.

The waves right after that all hit you with a cold, sharp impact that can take your breath away. But then, the waters ebb. The waves seem to stop. You're still standing in waist-deep water that you have to slog through, but at least you're able to gain your footing. You can take a deep breath. Maybe you're going to make it after all.

But now, 4 weeks later (gosh, can it really already be 4 weeks? How is that possible?), what I'm learning is that the waves still come. Sometimes they come one right after another. Sometimes they are spread out. Some of the waves are small and gently wash over you - you feel it's presence, but it's almost a comforting grief. (There's an oxymoron. But really, if you've lost a loved one, in those moments of acceptance of what's happened, you want to be sad. They are worth grieving over, and knowing that you're still feeling that is, in a way, comforting. It's sort of like a reassurance of the bond you had with them.)Other waves are strong and hit hard, knocking you off your feet all over again.

Anything can trigger these waves - whether it's a memory of the one you've lost, or suddenly realizing a particular dream has died with that person, or even just a disappointment that has nothing at all to do with your loss. From last Thursday through Sunday, I was having a succession of those hard waves that knock you off your feet. By Sunday, I was a wreck and cried more that day than any other day since Rusty died, I think. Then today, just as suddenly, those waves have subsided, and I'm trying to slog through just the "regular" grief.

But here's what I know. My Jesus has authority over these waves. He will not let them consume me when they wash over me. In fact, if I let Him, He may even teach me how to walk on them.

I Can't Fix This

It will be 3 weeks ago tomorrow that my youngest brother took his life. I've blogged about the details of that night, but haven't been able to post it yet. I don't know that I ever will. It was just good for me to get it out of my head and down on "paper".

The week after it happened, I met with my worship pastor/friend to help sort through some of my emotions and thoughts. One of the things he pointed out was that I was struggling with the fact that I couldn't control what happened, and I can't control the grief process. He talked about how an intercessor can fall into the delusion that they can control things through their prayers, and I especially thought I could protect my family by praying for them. He was exactly right. And it made me mad. On some level, though, the truth of what he said sunk in, and I have been pondering it ever since.

I keep playing through my mind the phone call where Mom told me Rusty was dead. It took a minute for it to sink in, but then the wave of heartbreak and grief flooded over me. I knew there had been some initial thought that hit me just before that wave did. As I've sorted through everything as best as I can, I remember what that thought was. "I can't fix this." Usually, when any family member called with a crisis, I would immediately start trying to figure out how to fix it. And I usually had good solutions. But this time, there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it. Rusty was gone. My mom was experiencing the worst pain any parent could experience. And all I could do was cry with her.

But in recent days, I've heard the most wonderful thought being spoken into my spirit: "I've already fixed this." You see, Rusty's suicide did not take God by surprise. And He truly had made every provision for it. In Sept of 2009, Rusty had prayed with my pastor to receive Jesus as his Savior. Jesus "fixed this" when He died for Rusty on the cross, and defeated death and the grave when He rose from the dead on the third day! Jesus is the solution to my brother's death, and to our grief. And I can say with boldness: Death, where is your victory? Grave, where is your sting?

So, the fact is, I couldn't fix this. I can't fix this. But, the TRUTH is, I don't have to, because God already did. Praise the Lord!!

A Lesson From the Clouds

Ps. 68:1 - "May God arise, may His enemies be scattered; may His foes flee before Him."

I've been praying to see God's glory, and for my church to see God's glory. The other day a friend posted this quote from Charles Spurgeon on her Facebook wall. I found it very encouraging, especially after the lesson God showed me in the clouds:

Although you may have pleaded month after month without evidence of answer, it is not possible that the Lord should be deaf when his people are earnest in a matter which concerns his glory. -Spurgeon-

While I was at the beach with my family, I was able to get up early enough to enjoy the sunrise a couple of mornings. The first day I watched it, the sun immediately rose into a bank of dark clouds. As the sun rose, the clouds rose with it, and I wasn't able to see much at all. I was disappointed, but continued to watch. The clouds started spreading, as if it was trying to block every ray of the sun, and at first it looked like it was succeeding. But then, the light started to pierce through the clouds, and I realized that what was really happening was that the sun was causing the dark clouds to scatter. Within 30 minutes, there was no trace of those clouds, and the light of the sun filled the sky.
The second day, the same thing happened, except that the clouds were MUCH larger. This time I knew what would happen, but I didn't realize how it would impact me. As the sun rose, it began to pierce the dark clouds and scattered them, but instead of disappearing, the clouds scattered over me and poured down rain. After about 10 minutes, though, the rain stopped, the clouds did disappear, and the sun once again lit up the sky.
The Lord used that to speak to me. I've been praying to see the glory of the Lord in our church in ways we never have. What the Lord showed me was that His glory is already on the rise. Most of you probably sense that in our worship services. But there is some darkness on the horizon, and it is preventing us from fully seeing or comprehending His glory. To some of us, it may look like the darkness is overcoming the light. But the truth is, in our darkest moments - both in our individual lives and as a church - God is at work. If we have faith to keep looking toward Him, toward the light, we will see that He is at work in the darkness, and His glory WILL break through. The enemy WILL scatter, and the glory of the Lord will rise and fill our lives, our church and even the whole Earth. Actually, His glory already does fill the Earth, but it's hard for us to see it sometimes for the storm clouds all around us. Don't be discouraged when it seems the clouds are overtaking you. Don't be alarmed when the rain and the storm pours down around you. Trust that God is at work, and that the storm is indicating the enemy's power is being broken. Praise God!
Specifically, I heard the Spirit speak to me, "As the sun rises, so does my glory, and My glory overcomes the darkness." When I got home, I was thinking I would really like to know a verse that confirms what He spoke to me. I went to check email, and one of the first emails I laid eyes on was a daily Bible verse that I signed up for just the week before. The verse for that day was Hosea 6:3 - "Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Thank You, Lord, for confirming Your word of encouragement. Cause us to press in to acknowledge You, even when it seems we can't see You. Let Your glory arise, and let Your enemies be scattered. Amen

Whose Security Blanket is it Anyway?

Hi! Remember me? I felt so bad about not having blogged in so long that I was seriously thinking about just giving it up. However, I have had a couple of people in my life tell me that I should start blogging again. So here I am. I did have to laugh to myself though when I signed in and saw my last post was titled "Being Quiet". Nice to know I took that one to heart!

So Sunday, 2 days ago, I had one of the most traumatic events that can happen in the life of a mother of a toddler. (Yes, my baby girl is a toddler now. If I weren't having digital camera issues, I would post a picture of her on here for you.) We. lost. Amy Beth's. blankies. **da, du, dum!** I can hear your screams of horror now.

Yes, she has two. The plan being we would always have a backup for wash days and if the unthinkable happened and we misplaced one, but once she realized there were 2 of them, she had to have both of them with her at all times. We lost them at church that morning. I knew they were in her bag when I dropped her off, and I realized they were missing on our way home when we stopped for lunch. Of course, I immediately turned around and headed back to church, but all the doors were locked and everyone was gone. At this point, my mind overloaded on the horrible future that laid immediately ahead of me. I was thinking no naps, lots of crying at bedtime, overall fussiness throughout the day - and it wasn't going to be a picnic for her either.

I came home, called Preston, who suggested that I ask someone who lived near the church and had a key if I could borrow the key and go look for the blankets. Our worship pastor was the obvious choice, because he lives within walking distance to the church, and he knows where I live in case I "forgot" to return the key. Call made; he agreed to let me borrow the key; we drove back across town to get it and check the church. I looked all over the place; retraced every step we could have possibly taken that day; to no avail. It wasn't there. I was now ready to go curl up in a fetal position in the corner and whimper. Amy Beth, however, seemed oblivious, even though we were a couple of hours past her bed time. Her oldest brother, Harris, had let her borrow his beloved blanky. It felt and smelled enough like hers that it was sufficing for the moment. (Amy Beth has 2 of the best brothers in the universe. I hope she realizes that some day. Although it took me until I was an adult to realize how awesome my brothers were.)

We came home and commenced with our Easter festivities. Amy Beth was too distracted hunting eggs to worry about her blankies. I, however, was making phone calls and sending emails to the nursery director and the workers in her class, and wracking my brain trying to figure out where they could be. I came to two conclusions: either they are in the toy cabinet that I couldn't get into, or they accidentally got sent home with someone else. Either way, chances were very slim we would be getting those blankies back that day.

Sunday night. Bedtime. She goes down without a fuss due to sheer exhaustion - and her brother's blanket. But it was a restless sleep. Same with nap time on Monday. And the next night. During her waking hours, she is even clingier than usual - which is a lot, since she is going through the 2-year-old separation anxiety phase. I notice my stress levels are higher than normal. The case of the missing blankies is driving me crazy. I considered going and buying her a new blanky, but didn't think that would solve the problem. I hate not being able to find things!

Monday night. I check email and see the reminder for our MOMS' group that meets on Tuesdays twice a month. It's for the next day. Yes! Another chance to go up there and recheck all the places those blankets could be. And some of those moms have children in Amy Beth's nursery class. So maybe, just maybe, someone will have them. I was almost giddy with the possibilities.

We get to church. I talk to the nursery director and all the workers again and determine that the blankies have gone home with someone. Seeing that I'm almost the last one to drop off my children, and no one has mentioned to our nursery director that they found someone's blankies in their child's things Sunday, I start to get nervous again. And heartsick. Amy Beth, meanwhile, is happily playing with her nursery friends, oblivious to my distress, thankfully.

I go downstairs to MOMS Group, (on my way stopping by the sanctuary and getting on my hands and knees to look under the pews). I'm sort of in a depressed daze at this point. And then Jennifer Lynch walks in, whose daughter is one of Amy Beth's best friends in the nursery, and in her hand is Amy Beth's blankies!! **insert angel choir "ahhhhhh!"** I was SO ecstatic! The day was suddenly brighter, and the birds were once again singing. I hugged them to me and ran back upstairs to the nursery to give them to Amy Beth right away, imagining the look of joy and relief when I handed them to her. Instead, I got a look of "Oh, I knew they would show up." She didn't act excited or relieved AT ALL!!! She did take a much better and longer nap when we got home than she had in 2 days, though. And her brother was happy to get his blanket back.

So tonight, I was pondering the last couple of days and came to a startling and a bit disturbing conclusion: I am just as attached to her blankies as Amy Beth is! After all, the last 2 days had been seemingly more traumatic for me than they had been for her! So it begs the question, not just of me, but of all of you whose children have blankies or "lovies": whose security blanket is it anyway?

Perhaps I should start a support group to help wean us off of our children's lovies.

Being Quiet

I have been frustrated in my attempts to pray on my own lately. I would sit there and have to fight to come up with the words to pray - and then they would sound so juvenile instead of the "pretty" prayers I'm used to "coming up with". I recently started journalling my prayers, and thought it would make it easier, but if anything it's now worse. I have no words of my own. Instead, the only thing that comes to my mind is Scripture, whether it's in prayerful worship or in intercession. I was writing out my frustrations to God this morning, and He quickly showed me that I am in a season of "being made silent". (Not sure why I put that in quotation marks, it just felt like it should be in quotes.) I have grown self-sufficient in how I pray. He wants me to get back to praying only Spirit-led, Scripture-fed prayers. (I mean, Hello! That's what Pastors Harry and Kevin have been leading us in for well over a year at my church, Shades Mountain Independent!) And sometimes, He doesn't want me saying anything - just being still and trusting that His Sovereignty and grace are sufficient. He sees my heart and knows what's in it - the worship, the gratitude, the requests, the concerns, the desires, and yes, even the sins and weaknesses, the deceptions I've bought into. He knows it much better than I ever will. I don't have to say anything. Sometimes, I just need to be quiet and get out of the way so His Spirit can do His work in me and through me.

Hi! Remember Me?

Wow. It's been a while. I've missed this. So why haven't I been blogging? Hmmm, several reasons, I guess: I can usually only blog in the evenings, and am usually too tired to think, much less converse; Facebook was satisfying my need to put my thoughts out there to my cyber-friends; I kept thinking I needed to start off with some big, fantastic blog with lots of followers, and would get discouraged when I kept falling short.

A lot of that thinking has changed. I'll start with the last one first: this is MY blog, and it doesn't have to fill anyone else's shoes - just mine. No one's blog started off big and fantastic with lots of followers, and if I only ever have 6 followers, then that's enough for me. My main purpose for blogging is not to entertain the masses, but to share my thoughts with my friends - especially those thoughts that God has been teaching me.

That may be another reason why I haven't been blogging: not to sound too lofty, but maybe, just maybe, the enemy of my soul has been keeping me distracted. Just before I stopped blogging on a semi-regular basis, I had shared with a friend that I felt like God wanted me to use this blog to share the amazing things God is teaching me. I have a gift of prophecy, which means a gift for declaring truth. What better platform than this blog? The devil obviously doesn't want the truth to go out in any way. Well, I'm done cooperating with that plan.

And finally, the Facebook distraction. As of last week, I am no longer doing FB. I deactivated my account. I had been wrestling with that decision for a long time. It became too much of a time drain, and it was competing with my time that I should have been spending with God. Our pastor has been challenging us to give up things that distract us from hearing from God and seeking Him. I was choosing time on Facebook over time with God - in other words, it had become an idol for me. It was also compromising other priorities - like getting in bed on time, conversation with people in my house, and blogging.

I don't have anything against Facebook itself, or anyone who uses it. It's just for me, at this time at least, it's gotta go. I want my relationship with God to be my number one priority. I don't want anything else to get in the way of that. Seriously. When I do get rid of the distractions and spend that time with Him instead, I am always amazed at His amazing grace, and at the things He shows me. Do you know how much He desires our undivided attention? How delighted He is when we let Him show us some of the wonders He has for us? Someone recently showed me a picture. It depicted Christ sitting in a forest with a child in His lap, tucked up against Him under one arm, while He was holding a butterfly on the end of His finger on His other arm. The child was delighted with the butterfly, and Christ was delighted in the child's delight. That child is you and me - if you have made Jesus your Lord and Savior. He wants to pick us up and sit us on His lap, tuck us up under His arm, and then show us the wonders of His grace, mercy, love, and Creation itself. I have tried to hold one of my children before, but because they didn't want to put down their toys, I either couldn't pick them up at all, or had to hold them at arms length because the toys were in the way. I want to put down my toys so that He can pick me up and tuck me under His arm. I want to lay my head on His breast, and behold the wonders He has in store for me. And I want to share what He shows me with you.

Pottery Pictures and a Pottery Giveaway!!!

I just wanted to show you some of the things I've made in my pottery class so far. I am still LOVING this class! I've had 4 of 6 classes so far, and I am dreading the end of that 6th week. I will definitely go through clay withdrawals. Seriously. I am in love with the stuff! I love the way it feels on my hands. I love the way it changes shape on the wheel. I love the way it smells. Okay, stop looking at me like that (yes, I can see you). I know how weird that sounds, but I can't help it. I have been told by one of the instructors and others in the class with me that I seem to have a "knack" for wheel-throwing. If you have ever wanted to take pottery classes, I highly recommend going here and signing up for the next available classes!

Now, if you love hand-made pottery, but would rather just own it rather than make it, head over to Rachel's blog. She is having a giveaway for some gorgeous pottery, created by Tena Payne, who is teaching the class I'm taking. I've blogged about her before.

Now, without further ado, some of the pictures of my work. Remember I've only had 4 classes at this point, so be kind in your opinion. Honest, but kind.

This is the clay after being wedged, thrown, centered, and opened. See how wet it is?


These are my very first 2 pieces. I made the cup first, and then the bowl. To be honest, I had to chunk the first 3 attempts, but that's part of the learning process.


I made these my second week. The larger one is one of my favorite pieces so far. You'll notice the bottoms look rough. That's because they had not been trimmed yet.


This is my other favorite piece. It's supposed to eventually be a teapot, but I like it like this so much that I might just use it as a vase.


Another angle of my teapot/vase.


This past week we learned how to trim the pieces. I don't have those pictures ready yet, but I'll get them up soon. We will be glazing the pieces in the next couple of weeks. I can't wait! Don't forget to sign up for the pottery giveaway on Rachel's blog!