It will be 3 weeks ago tomorrow that my youngest brother took his life. I've blogged about the details of that night, but haven't been able to post it yet. I don't know that I ever will. It was just good for me to get it out of my head and down on "paper".
The week after it happened, I met with my worship pastor/friend to help sort through some of my emotions and thoughts. One of the things he pointed out was that I was struggling with the fact that I couldn't control what happened, and I can't control the grief process. He talked about how an intercessor can fall into the delusion that they can control things through their prayers, and I especially thought I could protect my family by praying for them. He was exactly right. And it made me mad. On some level, though, the truth of what he said sunk in, and I have been pondering it ever since.
I keep playing through my mind the phone call where Mom told me Rusty was dead. It took a minute for it to sink in, but then the wave of heartbreak and grief flooded over me. I knew there had been some initial thought that hit me just before that wave did. As I've sorted through everything as best as I can, I remember what that thought was. "I can't fix this." Usually, when any family member called with a crisis, I would immediately start trying to figure out how to fix it. And I usually had good solutions. But this time, there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it. Rusty was gone. My mom was experiencing the worst pain any parent could experience. And all I could do was cry with her.
But in recent days, I've heard the most wonderful thought being spoken into my spirit: "I've already fixed this." You see, Rusty's suicide did not take God by surprise. And He truly had made every provision for it. In Sept of 2009, Rusty had prayed with my pastor to receive Jesus as his Savior. Jesus "fixed this" when He died for Rusty on the cross, and defeated death and the grave when He rose from the dead on the third day! Jesus is the solution to my brother's death, and to our grief. And I can say with boldness: Death, where is your victory? Grave, where is your sting?
So, the fact is, I couldn't fix this. I can't fix this. But, the TRUTH is, I don't have to, because God already did. Praise the Lord!!
3 comments:
Amen & amen!
SO true, yet so hard!! I can't imagine what you're going through. I remember the unbelievably hard grieving process that Chris and I went through a few years back when a young friend passed away - it was awful. I can only imagine how much harder it is if it's your brother! I'm praying for you!! And I'm so thankful that God's provision is always enough to fix things that we couldn't begin to fix!!
Wow, Jennifer, what an incredibly profound post. Thank you for your courage to write it. I can only empathize from the standpoint of being a fixer myself. I use the term fixer instead of control freak for myself because it sounds better, but I'm actually a control freak. I felt helpless in a similar way when my dad passed...I realize not exactly the same thing, but I do understand somewhat. I'm praying for you and your family still and hope the comfort of the Holy Spirit helps the hurt more and more each day.
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